i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
