Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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