Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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