Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
