How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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