You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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