yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
