dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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