omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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