I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I don't deserve a penis
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
