I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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