Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
