Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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