so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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