I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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