If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
