I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
