whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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