When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Randomize
