My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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