Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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