Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize