my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
