and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.