Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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