I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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