his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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