My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
