So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
