Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
