Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
