Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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