I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
