I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
