Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Shame - the story of my life.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
