Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
