My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
