Swine flu is the new snow day.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
