Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The air taste purple.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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