Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Randomize
