Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Text me some of your sweat
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
