Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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