I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
