I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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