Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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