the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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