So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
