So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
