I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
