Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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