i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
