Just mADE A PArabola og urine
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
the raccoons are back...
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