I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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