Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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