I need to stop coming to work sober
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Even my vagina gasped.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
