Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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