i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
