im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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