i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
