the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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