I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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