so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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