just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
